GRAND RAPIDS, Mich.– Sullen members of goth-rock band Vacant Belfry are reportedly embarrassed with their brand-new guitarist’s predisposition for constantly putting on a huge floppy gardening hat with a sunflower on it, exasperated sources verified.
“So far, he’s definitely destroyed 3 attempts at picture shoots with that silly, outrageous hat. We’ve attempted hiding it, we have actually tried teasing him, even pleading with him to spray paint it black … nothing works,” said Vacant Belfry singer Tina Ephraim. “He simply keeps rolling up to programs with that monstrosity on. Not to mention that chipper smile! If only he wasn’t so good at the guitar, we ‘d kick him out just for being jolly. Curse his ability to shred!”
Ted Pheasants, the hat-wearing guitar player in concern, took the remainder of the band’s duplicated pleas to toss it away as simply gentle tips.
“I’ll protect this big floppy gardening hat with the sunflower on it till the day I die. Heck, I see it as a part of me, and thus, a part of my art. I would not be shocked if I get some of my guitar skills from the excellent vibes this hat brings me,” stated Pheasants. “I get that the sunflower may not scream ‘goth’ at face value, but think about it: that flower’s dead. Long dead. I’m basically using a corpse up there. Absolutely nothing more goth than that, I reckon.”
The guitarist’s mom Ms. Penelope Grier-Pheasants has, possibly surprisingly, taken the rest of the band’s side.
“I’m not stating he doesn’t look downright dear in it, however the easy truth remains: my geraniums require tending to, and I require that hat back,” said Grier-Pheasants. “He can get his own huge floppy gardening hat, however that certain big floppy gardening hat– the one with the sunflower on it– has been mine the whole time. Maybe I’ll get him one for his birthday, or perhaps a few so he can share with his little bandmates. That should brighten their day, I saw them grabbing at mine. And from the looks of those kids, they need all the brightness they can get.”
At press time, members of Vacant Belfry were more ashamed after Pheasants showed up to experiment matching overalls he simply got back from the dry cleaners, noting that the sunflower on them was even bigger than the one on the gardening hat.